Singer, songwriter, comedian Lisa Koch wrote the lyrics and performed this on-point parody, slightly modified in response to the silencing of Michigan Rep. Lisa Brown for using the word “vagina” in a debate over legislation on the subject.

Hands Off My Clam
Copyright 2012 Tongueinchc Productions

I’d like to do a song right now on the recent attack on women, ’cause no one knows more about women’s issues than middle-aged white men with comb-overs.

To the tune of “Stand By Your Man”
Sometimes, it’s hard to be a woman.
‘Specially right now, it’s just a crime.
There’s a war on women.
It’s lookin’ grim and
sending us right back to Medieval times.

The GOP, they’re on a mission,’cause men know what’s best for all us gals. Apparently.
They’re rollin’ back the ’60s, pullin’ out all their tricksies …
I can’t believe I still have to protest this shit. Seriously?

Hands off my clam, my uterus and ova.
Yes, we need birth controll-a
’cause you won’t wrap your pickle.

Hands off my clam, my cervix and vajayjay.
Your moral crap is just a sham.
Hands off my clam.

Don’t you guys have anything better to do, like jobs, or the economy? Or passing any legislation whatsoever? But no, you are frightened of my vagina. Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina. I said it. To be fair, you’re frightened of a lot of things: gay marriage, evolution, Harry Potter, Rachel Maddow, NPR, WNBA … the list goes on.

Oh, but I mean, wouldn’t you like to just climb into the teeny, tiny brains of these guys and hear exactly what they’re thinking?

To tune of “If I Only Had a Brain“:
I’d eliminate abortions,
with murder and extortion,
’cause fetuses are peeps. Yes, they are!
I’d defund contraception,
say the hell with sex prevention,
’cause there’s Jesus in my heart.

I would vote against gay marriage
and fags I would disparage,
But Lesbians, well … I like to watch them on porn.
If you’re queer best beware
’cause Mitt Romney’s cuttin’ hair,
and there’s Jesus in my heart.

I’d slice and dice and cut
like Head Start, what a bore.
Cut meals and housing for the old and poor
and then I’d golf, and cut some more.

If your husband likes to beatcha,
just smile ’cause it’ll teach ya
to always toe the line.
And your pay will be smaller
76 cents on the dollar
’cause the Bible said it’s fine.

Oh. Oh, God, we’re in trouble, aren’t we? It is not pretty out there. You know, things would be really simple if I was in charge. If I was in charge …

I’d propose new legislation
Viagra regulation
to keep men safe from harm
(Oh, it’s for your own good.)
I’d require a rectal
with a giant, cold projectile
and electrodes on your bacon
so we’d know if you were fakin’…

Oh, I’m sorry. That was my outside voice, wasn’t it? Yeah.

Well, the point is, after you have had your exam, you’d have to go through a mandatory waiting period, and then you have to attend a class, and then you’d have to watch a movie on potential side effects.

And then you’d have to discuss the moral implications of killing perpetually thousands of “sperm-persons” every time you unload. And then you’d have to wait two weeks, at least, until you got your prescription. And then, uh, you’d have to pay for it, ’cause insurance doesn’t cover it. Sorry.

If I only was in charge.

So this goes out to all the woman-hating, racist, homophobic batshit crazy fundamentalist right-wing morons and your big ‘ol corporate Daddy Top: Get your head out of my oven.

Hands off my clam,
my tubes and my poonany.
Your moral crap is just a sham.
Hands off my clam!

Vagina.